Wanting to punch pregnant women is, like, a bad thing right??

*Notice: This was written awhile ago, I’ve just finally hit my breaking point and decided to publish it. This blog post is HIGHLY offensive. Way more than usual. I probably only seriously mean like half of it, but still.

You’ve been warned.

nopreg

I’ve had it!

I’m not pregnant but I know a total of….you know what…screw that…I’m not going through my FB and Twitter feeds to tally the number of pregnant bitches. The point is, when you’re 29, everybody you know is pregnant or has children.

It’s been over a year of Cary and I not not trying. What’s “not not trying”? It’s that thing you tell people when they say

“Hey, when are you guys gonna have a baby?”

You don’t want them to envision you having sex every waking moment and then ask you every time they see you, if you’re pregnant. So, instead of saying,

“Oh, we’re trying! *fingers crossed* any day now!”

you say, “Well, ya know, we’re not not trying. *wink wink*”

I give up. We’re apparently going to have to:

~avoid all caffeine
~avoid all alcohol
~avoid stressful situations (what? you mean like being unsuccessful at trying to conceive a baby??)
~have the doctor run all those super fun tests on both of us
~start taking my temperature every morning
~turn our sex life into a nightmare
~go Paleo, because we all know Paleo cures FUCKING EVERYTHING

The worst is that because it was just Christmas time, I had to see all the cheesy-ass pictures of pregnant women with gift tags on their bellies that said things like “Don’t open til *insert due date here*” or pictures of their hands making the shape of a heart on their swollen bellies. (BTW be careful, you’re one wrong thumb position away from the sign for vagina) Pregnant women apparently spend entirely too much time on Pinterest.

Dear Pinterest,
FUCK YOU
Signed,
Probably Infertile

If I get even one comment SAYING, “Why don’t you guys adopt?” I’m going to find out where you live and burn your house down. Then I’m gonna have you go contact an adoption agency to see if you can adopt.
Then when they turn you down I’m going to say “THAT’S WHY WE DON’T ADOPT! OUR APPROXIMATE NET WORTH IS THE SAME AS SOMEONE WHO JUST HAD THEIR HOUSE BURN DOWN!”

I’ve had several friends ask me why I haven’t been blogging. Honestly, I’m just not in a great place. Then I went to a reading/book signing by The Bloggess and she told us to write for ourselves. So that’s what I’m doing. Aren’t you glad you bugged me to start blogging again?